He told you that being a superhero was so hard. You remember irritable bowel syndrome, migraines, eternal whiskey dick, boo-fucking-hoo. Being a superhero, and more specifically being eternal, is awesome. With every existence there are hardships, but this…this has all the workings of a dream come true.
Look, that whiny jackass has only been “eternal” for 80 years. That’s like a four year old complaining that Dad won’t borrow him the car. He just isn’t old enough to have earned the keys to this sweet ride. He’s not smart enough to chew gum and blink at the same time.
The life of the famed Dracula, bullshit as it was, was closer to what this life is like. There is always money. When I start to run out of it, I simply feast on some rich guy and suddenly what’s his is mine. Granted, credit cards are making this plan harder to accomplish. But, shit, I got forever to figure that out. For now, I am a LOT better off than I was in life.
When it comes to sex, well he’s right, we don’t get to have it. So what? Humans are food. I never stuck my dick in a hamburger when I was alive. A real Creature of the Night gets his kicks from the feast. So fuck a bunch of orgasms.
And this shit about irritable bowel syndrome? What kind of weird, fucking mutant is he that he ever has to take a shit? We’re Vampires, the Undead. That means we don’t HAVE to take a shit, not you don’t GET to.
I will give him this; however, the headaches are a real thing. If you think about it, nothing good is ever completely good. There is usually a price to any sort of bliss and the pain…well that is to remind that we are cursed. We are a…a blight. The feast is the only thing that numbs the pain. There is nothing that will ever relieve it.
Look, this life is going to be harder for some, than it is for others. This life is a never ending roller coaster and you got on, having to pee. A beautiful day becomes a completely different thing. It becomes a night of hunger and shadows. It becomes a life of a monster.
I’m going to let him complain because soon he’ll realize he’s a fucking idiot. He’s going to realize that he was lucky to have been bitten by a Slavic hooker and not some moron Goth shithead that had a boner for Vampires since he was 14. He says his life is hell? What ever. I have to go eat. The pain is starting to roll back in and soon it will make my sight a foggy hell.
Will you do me a favor? Will you tell that crabby son-of-a-bitch, that if he doesn’t like this life, then just go chop your head right off and shut-the-hell-up?
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